Oh Great... Expectations!

From the archives, but still standing the test of time...

‘Greetings and salutations! 2020 was looking promising but true to form for people like me if I start getting excited about something then something will knock me back on my arse and put me in my place’

Having asked how his New Year was kicking in, I got the above reply from a friend. It started with these few lines and I’m struck by how someone so talented in sport and music (and a skilled craftsman), could feel so beaten back?

Which got me to thinking …

I’m interested in the expectations my friend set, of 'being knocked back on his arse', 'put in my place' and so my first port of call was the dictionary, and there something caught my eye.

Expectation (noun) ‘… a strong belief that something will happen or be the case’, ‘that someone will or should achieve something’. It’s also used to denote one's prospects of inheritance.

I expected more than just a noun. Expectation is something we do, isn't it? It's a feeling or state we experience. Perhaps an adjective, as in the inheritance? But, to avoid getting bogged down, how about we agree that expectation is 'mostly' an internalised experience, and something we sometimes project on to people and things. 

It comes in a few forms:

* Expectation on others - often quite unrealistic, generally based on;

* Expectation on ourselves - usually brutal and out of sync (thanks to the world of advertising and self-help psychology) and tied to;

* Expectations of things (events, objects) - again either unrealistic, brutal or both.

Expectations (in my humble opinion) are a product of our perspective (we don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are) and for many, a poor life experience (poverty, constant let downs) often means lower (or dumbed-down) expectations.

That said, popular literature suggests we have much more control on outcomes than we might think. There’s a lot to take in on that so if you want a good starting point I heartily recommend The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz

Here’s my spin...

In the same way as ‘you are what you eat’, ‘we are the stories we tell ourselves’ (be they good or bad). I’m also fond of, ‘be careful what you wish for, it might come true’, based on a Yiddish curse I recently found out. And to round off my little quote fest, good old Napoleon Hill and ‘Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.’ All a bit cliche? Absolutely! But the thing about cliches is that they became so over time, through being used so often, with good reason.

So when it comes to expectations (because of perspective), people often only see the bleak, which eventually is what comes back to them. That then reinforces the cycle of bleak perspective and low expectations. Quick example, in many training sessions I ask a group to describe what good looks like in styles of management. An awkward silence fills the room. If I then ask for the things they don’t like (what bad management looks like), I’m swamped with their bad experiences. They all must have had at least one good manager at some point, but they choose to focus on the negatives.

And over time, because history has a tendency of repeating itself, these junior managers become the same shitty middle managers they so reviled. One in five may have the balls (aka honest self-awareness) to set out on the more positive path…

Viktor H. Vroom, Yale School of Management (a pretty big cheese of whom I am quite the fanboy) developed a useful motivation insight called Expectancy Theory. To spare you carving through the deep science, I’ll try and summarise with this:

Outcomes are achieved through performance, which is driven by your effort (so basically, you get what you give). Our perception of an outcome (positive or negative expectations) governs our levels of effort. So in short, expectation drives (or inhibits) outcomes. Or as Fritz would put it (and I badly paraphrase it) we are literally nobbling ourselves through our thinking. We look forward by putting a gun to our heads.

To be fair, it’s easy to see why; whether it’s getting bogged down with concerns about climate change or social inequality. Unless you’re an utter sociopath the world seems massively unfair these days and most of us are either too poor or lack the power or influence to change things. The end result? Expectations are tainted with a sense of ‘what’s the point, the world’s going to hell anyway’.

Then we have that shitty day to day default position of nibbling disappointment. All those people not doing what they said they would do (or we expected they would do?). Quite a deep, meaningful, at the same time, tedious head-fuck non?

#MyLifeStory alert!

When I was a younger man, scratching out a living playing music, I had huge expectations. I was building up a cool rig (great guitars, amps, PA etc), I had pockets full of decent songs and it seemed people were really getting what I was trying to say. Record deals, stadium tours and an MTV lifestyle awaited. Fast forward across hectic, creative (and fun) years, I'm looking at music as work, and thinking shiiiit…? Management and labels telling me how to write and where to play just didn’t sit well with me, so as part of an elaborate exit (or self sabotage) strategy, I centred in on what I affectionately call 'The Alvin Stardust Effect'. It’s expectation based and goes something like this.

Alvin is now in his 60s and writes an album of killer new songs. It's work he’s truly proud of and contains lyrical insight that will change the world! An album tour comes up and he hits the road. 1st gig, he's two songs in and the crowd start chanting “Coo Ca Choo”. Alvin, ever the pro, digs deep and plays the song but somewhere deep inside, something is being broken. A few more dates of pretty much the same and he decides to fuck the tour off, buries the album and retires from public life under a cloud of creative disappointment.

I started to dwell on an expectation (from others) of endlessly bashing out the same lame hit song. (This is without, it must be said, having a song close to being as catchy as Coo Ca Choo). Slowly but surely, it just didn’t seem worth it anymore (outcome versus effort) and so I entered my wildness years. If only I could have been a bit more like Rick Astley - hindsight is such a bitch!

Some travel (and a little loss) gave me renewed focus. I got a real job, decent qualifications and learned to put aside those ‘childish things’ of my youth. The expectation now (of others, upon me) was ‘hey, you could do well here’, and believing them, I really did. I dabbled with playing live again in my 30s, this time with no expectation beyond having some fun and releasing some pressure. And, it was, goooood. I eventually retired ‘semi-gracefully’ 5 or so years later. I'd gone as far as I could with it, my expectations were met, all boxes well and truly ticked.

A few years working with cameras followed, trying to be more restful and patient (ha!). That just led to me taking off on a motorbike trip around the Balkans for 5 months (a Busman's holiday really, training on the move). Now almost 14 years of remote working, a dry stint in the desert of Saudi Arabia and plenty of juggling training and design projects bring us to the man you read before you today.

These days I'm battling with a major sense of irony. In finding a voice, yet losing an audience, due mainly to my recent campaigns of 'a-socialism'. It's a lot like being anti-social but slightly more palatable in polite conversation. The culls (in my social media following) were linked to unrealistic expectations of how I felt people should treat me, based (hypothetically) on how I felt I would treat them. It's complicated to explain, quite bogus, but overall, very counter productive.

But hey, to err is human. right? I’m nearing 54, I’ve been around… Am I content? No, still feel like there is so much to do! Am I a little jaded? Hmm, maybe? All I have right now in terms of expectation is paying my bills on time and providing for my kids. I do those two things and I’m happy. I don’t think much about holidays, I don’t really need them. I’m not driven by a need to make it to the weekend or get too bothered when I have work one. Freelance life is one of feast or famine, you take the work when it comes and when there's nothing going on you have to try and believe the next project will be along soon. If I get any downtime it's just as much about staying sharp and being ready to work as it is searching projects or proposal writing.

And amidst all this pseudo self pity, I feel the expectations of others, upon me. I’m grateful to find that it's mostly positive, and based on talents and skills they are still willing to support. There's a strength in this, one I have never fully put to use, but perhaps more on that to come.

Meanwhile, back in the realms of Expectation…

Some quick sideline thoughts, as I let the above disclosures sink in. It strikes me expectation lies at the heart of many a great con. Clearly some people have a better grip on managing of expectations than others. The conman goes into the game expecting an outcome and all to often, ‘the mark’ is undone by misguided expectation (greed) for an easy win. Perhaps the secret win is to try and con ourselves more? To mislead and play up to our greedy needs. We are all capable of doing so, because we do it all the time - albeit in a mostly negative or escapist sense.

I also find it interesting to note that when asked who might win a sporting event, with a wealth of trends and form data to hand, people often can’t (or don’t like to) say. Yet we seem able to predict, with absolute certainty, our own failures in cosmic matters. Things we have so little knowledge of, but a greater control over. So perhaps in life, it’s just easier to fall down than stand up?

Time for a powerfully positive summary?

We all have expectations, often misaligned with our realities or capabilities. Want to ride a motorbike around India for the rest of your days, whilst juggling earning a crust and providing for kids back home? It’s doable, if you can really see it happening and create some of that Structural Tension Robert Fritz talks about.

We need to learn to decipher the realistic from fantasy, but still create a space to dream, to be hopeful. The India adventure is not impossible, with the right kind of preparation. Perhaps you become a travel writer? Or, if blessed with the practical skills (as my friend truly is) sign up with a development agency and work your way around? Maybe you just need to reconcile with the notion that once year, for 3 to 4 weeks, you get to go back and relive that joyous freedom. Small doses are better than no doses, right?

No matter how smart (or positive) we are, there is only a finite amount of energy kept for planning ahead (setting expectations) so we should learn to use it wisely. And be careful what we wish for, base that more on the awesome Zen principle of ‘putting it out there’ (because Yiddish curses seem so damn negative). You may know it better as The Law of Attraction, or Cosmic Ordering (as the Barefoot Doctor puts it in the Handbook for the Urban Warrior). Order something doable, or just stage things so as to work towards a larger outcome in smaller chunks. ‘How do you eat an elephant?’ One bite at a time.*

*No elephants actually got eaten, it’s just a metaphor...

Newton's 5th Law of Motion states that ‘An object at rest will remain at rest and an object in motion will remain in motion’. The ‘object’ in this case is you, and there’s a lot to be said for keeping busy, staying in motion. Some days it can be as basic as putting one foot in front of the other, getting out of bed, having a shower and eating something. Other days might find you learning cool new skills or searching for a better job.

If we really are the stories we tell ourselves, you are both writer and narrator. It’s as easy to kid and con yourself as it is to affirm and grow, so why not give that a go?

In my final review of this piece I found my current expectations rather sad, and functional. So, to close I'd like to add the following. They can be my space to dream, my story and personal con…

* This period of sadness and separation will come to an end
* I'll stop smoking and drinking, be healthier again (I don't have to die a lonely drunken hobo)
* This bat-shit crazy puppy will stop eating any old crap off the floor
* My love life could quite easily take a turn for the better
* I’ll get through my Udemy coding course and Google Analytics certificate
* Somewhere out there is a stable / meaningful work opportunity with my name written on it
* I have the creative capacity to write a book (and still have some songs left in me)
* Small individual changes really can make the world a better place.

And just for a sense of balance:

* My ex may continue to frustrate me, but I can find better ways to cope
* As I get older, I will probably get slower
* The old banger of a car I just bought will at some point need a few more repairs.

Damn, that was refreshing! You should try it? 

Now I need to get my ass back on the project hunt. As positive as I am, I’m not dumb enough to expect projects to just come find me. Hope this little ramble met with your expectations and was a useful read. Please add a comment or drop me a message, some kind of interaction on such an intimate subject is always well appreciated.

Sharing in the comments this post received as the thoughts really add value to my initial thoughts:


I really like the piece! Honest, true, introspective, well written, kept my attention through out. I feel that life and experience change us, they reshape our perspectives and can build (or destroy) our expectations. I'm certainly not the person I was 10 years ago.

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Making my road trip plans

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I'm reminded (by a very good friend) that I am no longer the person I used to be and my expectations are being reshaped by experience. In that I am mindful, even these past few years, that brought me my greatest joys (my children) have also taken something from me. That missing part of me is what now eats into my expectation. The best thing to do is regroup, then locate and lock down what's important 

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Love it, really enjoyed reading that. It is centred on self expectation, do you not think that some times...most of the time... our expectations are governed by the expectations of what those around us have for us? Or more importantly, and quite sadly, what we perceive others expectations of us to be.

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Social media, the Devil, drives our expectations to bd unrealistic in most cases. People see the false ideology that is portrayed in the virtual world and expected their life to be just like that. Or worse still the think that everyone else expects them to be like it and then fear of failure takes over, the feeling of not reaching the mark, depression, anxiety all driven by a false portrayal feeding the ugly animal which is social media expectation.

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and the concept of expectations (the major cause of frustration, but can we live without expectations or the similar ones - hope, ambition, strivings, etc. and what should we base them on and what should these be since the answer is clearly no...) being key to psychology

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First off, really dig your writing style as always - you manage a good way to balance some deep shit thinking with the lighter bits, love it. On the subject matter, there is some wisdom in there for all of us eh. My dad used to say "chin up and don't let the bastards grind you down" which I like too. I'm a bit of a fan of 'you make your own luck', it's held out fairly well for me. I increasingly don't place many expectations on others these days, and people can take me or leave me - haha.  On myself, I'm trying as much as possible to do the stuff I like doing. That all sounds a bit bleak but I'm happy I think, I'm lucky I know. You touched upon one thing that I've been wondering about recently and I'd be interested to know more about what you think about:  Why is it that a lot of managers are just shit?  Often rude, power mad, poor at managing and even worse at the rest of their job. What I mean is, at some point they got promoted, meaning that someone must have thought "OK, this guy's shit, rude, power mad, and poor at the job, let's give him some more money and responsibility"??!!  How does that work?

anyway, late now, zzz calling, early start tomorrow / today.  I've been playing some piano - learning to

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Very interesting read mate informative in a philosophical way yet not at all preachy. I have definitely struggled with expectation over the years it’s something I battle with time and time again until an inner wisdom intervenes and neutralises it’s acidity to a more agreeable ph, which temporarily assures me that all is what it should be and allows me a small period of inner piece. What’s tough is when people live life by a different code in certain circumstances (you know, say one thing and do something else or are just not true to their words). I forget sometimes that that’s their prerogative and what is important to them and their agenda is not gonna be the same as mine ( I guess that’s just my word is my bond kind of bullshit and it sometimes pisses me off).

Also I beat myself up all the time over where I should be by now and the time I have wasted what seems like years of treading water. Admittedly a lot of these thoughts are materialistic not so much in wanting objects as such but more being stable enough to live a life that’s just more fulfilling on many levels ( inner wisdom needed again to put things into perspective) because in reality I have got so much compared to some and need to remember that and at the same time still dare to dream and strive for what makes me feel fucking alive.

At the end of the day mate children change everything. They give us strength where there was weakness and give us weakness where there was once strength. We are compelled to live our lives differently and make decisions that our former personas would not have had to make.